2016 AFSP Jones Beach Out of the Darkness Walk

Today was the second AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) “Out of the Darkness” Walk held at Jones Beach that I have attended since Steve took his own life in 2015.  This walk is aimed at bringing awareness to suicide and mental health issues, a cause very near and dear to my heart.

The event is especially poignant for me since it starts not far from the spot I first met Steve in 1981 and the turnaround is at Field 1 where Steve worked as a lifeguard for several years and where I have so many memories of times spent there with him. Now, I walk without him, at a place we both loved so much, celebrating his memory, surrounded by close friends.

There were two other suicide survivors that I know and met there today, who were walking for their Moms lost to suicide.  One of them shared with me that as the years go by after her Mom passed,  there were fewer and fewer people attending this walk with her each year.  I can see that happening already with Steve, as there were already fewer people with me on the walk this year.  I get it; life is for the living and people are moving on with their lives.   I am starting to realize, though, that in the case of suicide survivors, we will never move on; our lost loved one will always be with us and we will always struggle to keep their memory alive.  I get the feeling I may have worn out my welcome with many in trying to keep Steve’s memory alive.  People do not like to continue to be reminded of the tragic circumstances of his death. However, this will not stop me from keeping Steve’s legacy alive and I will continue to tell his story to anyone who will listen.

One thing I do know for sure, I have an inner circle of friends and people whose lives were profoundly impacted by Steve that will be with me for the long haul. and I am so thankful for that.  I am also so thankful to those who reached out to me this past week, telling me they wish they could have attended, but their circumstances did not allow.  However, they were there with me in spirit.

Although I had multiple meltdowns today and was highly emotional, I had an amazing moment.  A woman that I did not know, who lost her husband to suicide, shared with me that she read my 9/11/2016 article in Newsday about not hiding Steve’s cause of death and that it gave her the strength for the first time to talk about the cause of her husband’s death.  She told me the story allowed her to lift such a heavy burden she had been carrying.  I have always said, I will have accomplished my goal of helping others by telling Steve’s story if I could help just one person.  On such a sad day for me, it became bittersweet when this woman shared this with me; I succeeded in accomplishing my goal.






4 thoughts on “2016 AFSP Jones Beach Out of the Darkness Walk

  1. Jean,
    I am that woman who came up to you today. My husband took him own life on May 8, 2015. He was only 38 years old and we have a 4 year old now. Yes I kept it a secret from everyone except a very selected few. When I ready your article and how you said you were perpetuating the stigma of mental illness and suicide with silence I realized that is exactly what I was doing. Also you quoted “When we deny the story, it defines us, when we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.” What a powerful statement. I couldn’t get those words out of my head and little by little began telling some the truth. Thank you for that article and for this blog. You are an admirable woman and I am very lucky to have met you. I thank Mindy for introducing us.


    • Rosemarie, you filled me with such gratitude when you told me your story. You are a brave woman and I am humbled to have met you. Thank you for reaching out to me. It validates my mission and my journey. I wish you peace and strength. I too am grateful to Mindy for introducing us. Suicide survivors can make a difference.


  2. jean

    Thank you for sharing your story. I walked for the first time this year 2017. I lost my son April 2016. You are right, people want to live and get on with their lives. No one wants to be sad. This will always be our journey. I felt Sunday, October 22nd was the first time I did not feel alone at that walk. I saw so many young people. Maybe one day I can meet you and give you a big hug. You are a great person to have this blog for the love of your life. We would love them every day if they were here so we shall grief the same way. Much peace, Karen


    • karen
      i am so sorry for the loss of your son. yes, we are on a difficult, sometimes very lonely journey. thank you for your kind words. i live in greenport, so if you are ever in wine country, plz reach out to me. hugs to you…


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