To most, Steve appeared to be “on top of the world”. We now know, this was not true. Steve struggled so much in his final years, especially the last six months of his life. He was a firm believer in expressing gratitude and living in the moment. Perhaps if he didn’t follow these principles, he may have left us sooner. In many of his writings that I have found, I saw his expressions of gratitude for many of the same things time after time:
“Love from Jean”
“Successful business built from ground up”
“Prospect of creative projects: writing, coaching, events, athletics”
“Ability to spend time with family”
“Some disposable income”
“Family; all healthy at the moment”
In addition, Steve tried many things that allowed him to live in the moment; yoga, teaching himself to play a keyboard, writing and exercising. In the end, nothing seemed to help him anymore, his pain was so deep.
After Steve took his own life in March 2015, and because of my current health issues, I too, now believe how important it is to live in the moment and be thankful for what I have. These principles do not come easy to me. I have always been thankful for what I have, but now I have to make conscious efforts daily to repeat that mantra to myself. As for living in the moment, this is so NOT my personality. For 37 years, I had a successful career in Information Technology due to my ability to think about the future and what could go wrong so I could devise contingency plans. This trait does not help me in my current life situation as it only creates worry and stress.
I have been told by many that I am brave and strong for my efforts at raising awareness for mental health issues and continuing Steve’s legacy by writing his memoir. However, nothing could be farther from the truth; I am torn apart inside, feel weak, lacking in self confidence and I struggle every day. When people ask me how I am doing, I usually say fine. No one wants to hear my truth. Everyone has their own crosses to bear.
I do not write this blog for pity or sympathy. As with most of my blogs, I write to educate others and writing is also cathartic for me as it allows me to be ‘in the moment’.
Things are not always as they seem.