Even though it has been over a year since Steve took his own life, I still have doubts about how strong our relationship was. At times, there is relentless chatter in my head that what I thought Steve and I had together was a figment of my imagination. Of course, this line of thinking is usually precipitated by what I perceive as cold-hearted statements or actions done by others. It could also result from my thinking about the total lack of compassion shown by some. To this day, some “friends” have never even called, emailed, sent a sympathy card or offered any kind words of understanding to support me in my grief. Even though I have reached out to some of them, they have not responded and their silence was deafening. Hence, self blame begins and the “it’s my fault” mentality creeps into my mind and I question whether or not Steve really did love me. In reality, either these people were never true friends to Steve or myself or they are not in touch with their emotions and too wrapped up in their own issues to think about anyone else. Perhaps they are embarrassed to talk about the cause of Steve’s death or perhaps they blame me for it. Whatever the reason, it is NOT my issue, it is theirs.
Intellectually, I know it is not healthy to dwell on what others do or don’t do as I have no control over their actions.
What I do know for sure and must constantly remind myself, is that the “love at first sight” connection Steve and I had began in 1981 and lasted until 2015. It endured through the chaotic final two years of our lives together, up until Steve’s final anguished moments prior to him taking his own life in March of 2015. Chapter 1 of Slipped Away gives an insight into those final two, turmoil filled years and ends with my telling of Steve’s final demonstration of his love for me. No one can ever dispute or deny our love for each other.
Steve and I had a love some people may never experience in their lives and to console myself over his loss, I must always remember that this was a beautiful gift we shared together for over 33 years.
This is my truth.