The Next Chapter….

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The time has come for me to start a new chapter in my life.

I am just plodding through every day now, always waking up in a life that is so routine to me.  What is obviously missing is Steve, my best friend and soul mate of over 33 years, who died by suicide on 3/15/2015.  For those 33 years, I was blessed to share my  life with the most amazing man and I was immersed in Steve’s life,  loving everything it had to offer.  He showed me so many wonderful things and we had a loving, fun filled life for so many years.   Of course, things were not always perfect, however, as I reflect, I realize that we had an incredible foundation of love and respect for one another that was apparent to anyone who knew us.

Now, I must carve my own path alone.  For the past 22 months, I have been trying to find purpose and make sense of the sad circumstances of Steve’s death.  I am now finally coming to accept that Steve is never again going to walk through the  front door of our house and we will never grow old together and share the same pillow. Of course, this tears my heart apart every time I think about it.  I know the pain of his loss will be with me for the rest of my life.  But, staying in the same house with so many memories of our life together, is not allowing me to grow as a person, rather, it feels like I am just waiting to die so I can see Steve again in the afterlife.  It is time for me to move on and chart my own course here on earth.  Steve’s world and the world we shared together  is no longer my world.

Being a creature of habit, I was never a big fan of change.  However, change is inevitable, whether we like it or not.   Rather than wait for change to force itself upon me, I plan to make a change in my life on my own terms while I still have my mental faculties and I am physically able to do so.   My health is slowly failing, whether caused by grief or just getting old, I don’t know.  So that I do not become a burden to my friends, it is important that I plan for my future.  As such, I am researching some alternate living options.  Taking care of a house on my own is becoming too much for me to handle.  Although Steve and I together used to joke that we had no business owning a house since neither of us were handy, together, we would always figure out how to solve problems.  Now it is just me.

The  sad chapter of the last few years of my life has ended  and I as I begin my next chapter, I look forward to change, probably for the first time in my life.

This post is also featured on www.OurSideofSuicide.com, a blog offering hope,comfort and support to those who have lost a loved one to suicide.
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22 thoughts on “The Next Chapter….

  1. As heart wrenching as this was to read….I am happy for you. You are choosing to move forward and taking that first step to change. I’m cheering for you & of course praying you find what gives you happiness. I look forward to having that cup of coffee in the near future. Anne

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  2. A sign of strength and growth. I think both the best and worst thing after the incomparably horrible experience of losing a loved one to suicide, is that life moves us on. Much as we want to freeze time, to have our loved ones back we can’t have that. The only way is moving forward. But, it takes time to be able to do that. Bravo for you, Jean.

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  3. Jean trying to understand the why of things is gut wrenching, heartbreaking, and paralyzing. Having lost 3 close family members in as many years opened my mind to questions I never thought to ask or tried to answer. It’s an emotional and physical journey that’s exhausting.
    I understand your physical weariness. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting it just means you accept your need to continue living. I’m happy for you. Choosing to live life to its fullest is a gift you give yourself. Namaste

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  4. I send love to you Jean there are so many I have recommended Slipped Away to and your legacy in providing that comfort will grow and grow. I can not imagine the pain you have lived the past 22 and a half months and am glad you are thinking of your own healthy future. Heart wrenching and necessary and so strong on your part – love to you!!! Nicola

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  5. Just like you Jean I am a creature of habit… I had to also sell my house and moved in November. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. It was saying goodbye to the life that once existed. I am now in a new home and have been for about 3 months and reality has just set in that this is my new home… Many times I still feel like I am dreaming. You are taking a big step in the right direction and I hope this leads you to some peace. Love, Rosemarie

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  6. Jean, you are strong. Life without Steve will never be the same, but it can still be fulfilling, rewarding, and filled with joy. Excited to see you taking steps to embrace your bright future.

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    • Thank you Chris. Joy has been so elusive to me since 2013 when Steve started slipping away. Making a change in my life like I am doing will hopefully allow me to experience joy once more. I was so blessed to have joy in my life for the 33 years I spent with Steve

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  7. Pingback: I am not alone… – slippedawayblog

  8. Pingback: I’m still standing. | SlippedAwayBlog

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