The time has come for me to start a new chapter in my life.
I am just plodding through every day now, always waking up in a life that is so routine to me. What is obviously missing is Steve, my best friend and soul mate of over 33 years, who died by suicide on 3/15/2015. For those 33 years, I was blessed to share my life with the most amazing man and I was immersed in Steve’s life, loving everything it had to offer. He showed me so many wonderful things and we had a loving, fun filled life for so many years. Of course, things were not always perfect, however, as I reflect, I realize that we had an incredible foundation of love and respect for one another that was apparent to anyone who knew us.
Now, I must carve my own path alone. For the past 22 months, I have been trying to find purpose and make sense of the sad circumstances of Steve’s death. I am now finally coming to accept that Steve is never again going to walk through the front door of our house and we will never grow old together and share the same pillow. Of course, this tears my heart apart every time I think about it. I know the pain of his loss will be with me for the rest of my life. But, staying in the same house with so many memories of our life together, is not allowing me to grow as a person, rather, it feels like I am just waiting to die so I can see Steve again in the afterlife. It is time for me to move on and chart my own course here on earth. Steve’s world and the world we shared together is no longer my world.
Being a creature of habit, I was never a big fan of change. However, change is inevitable, whether we like it or not. Rather than wait for change to force itself upon me, I plan to make a change in my life on my own terms while I still have my mental faculties and I am physically able to do so. My health is slowly failing, whether caused by grief or just getting old, I don’t know. So that I do not become a burden to my friends, it is important that I plan for my future. As such, I am researching some alternate living options. Taking care of a house on my own is becoming too much for me to handle. Although Steve and I together used to joke that we had no business owning a house since neither of us were handy, together, we would always figure out how to solve problems. Now it is just me.
The sad chapter of the last few years of my life has ended and I as I begin my next chapter, I look forward to change, probably for the first time in my life.